To My Lover
Spoiled for choice
Have you hated someone for loving you too much and for desiring change in his past through
you? Who would give up everything for you to be the best of the best? Who is so blatantly naïve and knowingly commits
to this blindness because you are his offspring that not even ‘Wintery’ odds
could stop you from budding? Have you ever been selfish by wanting this
suffocating love when life has made
you want your last breathe to be imminent? Have you ever had love that’s so unique that makes you a
stranger to your own surroundings? Have you ever been loved that there’s no love
for anyone else to give? Have you ever been loved
that assistance is doubted to be sufficient because this lover doesn’t assist, but inherits your hitch? One never realizes what
he has when he is spoiled for choice, and who said we aren’t living our parents’
dreams?
I grew up in two worlds I wanted to belong to one that
thought I was too intact and escape the other one I loathed even though
demographically I belonged. I was educated belonged to the much hated ‘English-Language-Lovers’
‘Non-Whites’ (Franz’s definition of another form of blacks), I wanted to be so ‘broken’
that I use to borrow my sister’s kakis so that I can pretend to go to the same
school as hers. If it meant being one with my family meant to be so called
broken then I wanted to be damaged. I admired ‘criminal minded’ beings they
became my role models, admired their frustration which transcended into my rebellion
so devoted in changing the world’s injustice. It could only be achieved by
showing my loyalty; I had to join in their ideology and activities. I frowned
upon English, ‘Coconuts’ even though I went to school with them, admired taxi
drivers, hated TV games, loved the most inclusive sport (football), loved
anything that was not new to my people, loved umasikandi music, made a promise
to myself never to be like the other Ixopo going ‘pussies’. This meant I would want
to be a lot of things in life, and what I aspire to should not shift me away from
my people anything that would make me feel in deep into the world I loathed
meant it wasn’t for me.
I wanted to be many things in life, a taxi driver, soldier,
footballer, town planner, lawyer, architecture, artist, accountant Chartered
Accountant (CA); many of these changed with time and were influenced by people
who surrounded me. There one that came much later of which I thought I really wanted
to be is an accountant, I hated accounting but the hype about it and the joy it
brought to my lover made me want it
more. Close to grade 12 I realised I would be too deep, I could picture the
disconnection I wanted to pool away. My lover
saw it as fear and low self-esteem which had some truth in it, but
truthfully speaking people doing it lacked adventure, rebellion, a sense of
debate I admired in people they seemed more into keeping the status quo. My lover was adamant he wanted me to do
this, I mean we the race who cannot afford to experiment with the choices we
make (Franz Fanon) I could not explain all this infatuation with insurgence, it
was a scarce skill and I would be able to amend his past through my accomplishment.
Mrs Forgarty saw a Philosopher the fact that I hardly spoke in class her opinion
validated my envisioned quest in life besides these people (Philosophers) had a
continuous internal debate in the pursuit of ‘human-development’. I admired and
followed many of these people they are pro barred people of which my people
were, but many of them did not study Philosophy it was inborn they had other
careers. My lover had facts and I had
dreams!
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| Livingstone High School Badge |
Livingstone had geared me for whatever I could stand
in the mist of giants, but the thought what academic jungle to conquer made
sleep impossible thoughts was my rest. I studied in the Western Cape which had
an exceptional matriculation pass rate which made passing nothing of an issue.
I had applied to many prestigious Universities my subject choice meant with the
right results I could follow any career, I was spoiled for choice. I struggle
with how did I perform; did I get a D, C maybe I can be ambitious and say a B
or an A average. I could not get my results or see my name in the papers I was
at home and home papers didn’t show Western Cape or other provinces’ results,
but my lover saw me dying from suspense
and asked someone to go check for me. Maybe Merit to other people is an under
achievement, but to me it was unbelievable some of the symbols alluded me most
of my high school life. I was grateful, but this constant stanch of worrying didn’t
allow me to celebrate. Where to from here?
My lover could
not wait we had to go to Cape Town and follow through on my application, he
made calls I went to enquire only to find out in other universities I have been
accepted or could apply late and make it he had organised for me to speak with
the right people and of cause I was rejected by others. I had University of the
Western Cape (UWC), University of Stellenbosch, Cape Peninsula University of
Technology (CPUT) Bellville and Cape Town campuses, I was spoiled for choice. All
of these could not suffice to what I and my lover
wanted; I wasn’t going to do accounting there and be a CA.
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| Rhodes University Logo |
It was the 19th
of January when we had exhausted our search for possibilities to our yearned
for future, there were post boxes next to the lift while waiting for the lift it
was common to pick pocket one’s posts box for new letters. There was a brown
military letter with a red ‘Rhodes University Where Leaders Learn’ stamp it
came when we took a decision for me to take a gap year apply again next year
for the desired career. I opened it with an unchangeable idea of what I would do
this year; do my licence and take a gap year. The news of the letter did not
move me at all because although I have been accepted I still did not know what Bachelor
of Commerce (BComm.) I was accepted for, that was the only game changer. My lover took it upon him to go consult and
he was told I was spoiled for choice, ‘first year BComm subjects are the same one
will choose his or her majors in second year’.
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| All Roads Lead to Rhodes |
The Eastern Cape was calling me a land of AmaGqika
that I have never heard off I did not know what to expect, but my lover’s commitment to his naiveté charmingly
suppressed my nerves…TO BE CONTINUED
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