Uluhlu lweendwendwe endizinqwenelayo (My Guest wish lists).

Dear Tata uBantu Biko

I have been watching a lot of television, perused a lot of magazines and heard a lot of people naming people whom they would like to have dinner with, the answer to me seemed to have always been the same 'I would love to have Mandela as my guest'. There is nothing wrong with that I mean uTat'omkhulu uRholihlahla is an exceptional man. The question is always a standalone with no follow up question, I would love them to ask 'why do you want him over dinner and what would be the subject over the dinner table'?

Needless to say they never ask, but usually impulsively say 'Oh yeah! Wow! He is such a great man'! I sit there with utter dissatisfaction, I would like to hear why they want this guest over or do they know this guest? It would be hypocritical for me to say so yet I want you to be my guest. Let me afford you the chance to know why such a wish is transpired, when I first read a passage of your book I Write What I Like my childhood frustration subsided. 

This passage spoke how the black culture is not lost, but resided in every generation and all the claims that may create confusion of our existence can be answered or simply ignored. 'We the generation of expression, with t-shirts which might say thank I am a blackman'. Those were the words that stuck with me and will continue to do so as long as I live. I mean I use to write, draw and paint on my clothes messages that might incite dialogue I did not get any conversation instead I got banter 'awutshayi? Insangu iyaphambanisa kanene', 'Iwoh awuboniswa'. 

I was filled with frustration because it seemed like I did not fit in, I was always dissatisfied, in fact made to feel that way since I thought differently or asked a lot of questions that mostly were true, but ignored not to meddle with the erroneous happiness. 

But; my God, when I read your whole book I felt at ease and as I hovered over those black figures I found someone who thought like me, but could express these thoughts with so much precision. Your words were constant part of my conversation. Suddenly there was nothing wrong for thinking differently, the frustration I had for my educated people subsided soon as I found out that we all feel the dissatisfaction with the world, but others chose to keep their concerns internally.

Now I ask myself, what if you were quite. Would we be able to hear and more especially feel inspired, hopeful, human, thankful for being black and rejuvenated? I know I cannot answer that, but the known fact is you spoke and those who had ears listened. 

It has been 18 years in ‘our democracy  and in your own words you said "In time, we shall be in a position to bestow on South Africa the greatest  possible gift---a more human face."; when is time or has it passed or have we done so?
If you are able to come over for dinner how about we tackle these questions light-heartedly of cause?
Faithfully Yours NgangolwandlekaZamkhaya

 

Home is where I haven't been...1995

My mum running out of water and salt crying for me to be admitted, and other children crying their hearts out as their mothers leave them behind. I might be speaking for the other children, but on that day we were confused as we were wretched away from our mothers to increase the hope of living a better life. We didn't know why, but as they walked away they were filled with pride, hope and maybe arrogance. We came from all over the place, but mainly from the Former Transkei (thanks to a depleting education system) and mostly were amaXhosa. I refer myself as one even though I haven't come in contact with so many amaXhosa, but it was always made clear to me that I was 'iiXhosa elidelelayo', this came about when maybe something was missing and they wanted someone to blame. It was because lamaXhosa aseBhisho adla imali zethu, so in order to project their hate towards them they had the closest person to inflict pain to salvage their inhuman treatment they thought they felt.
Here I was in full contact with these people who I got punished for, I met ooNangamso, ooThina, ooBabalwa, ooSivuyisiwe the list is endless. And I was uQaqambile Mathentamo, that is very much Xhosa, to me that was the only give away. I had vague memories of Mthatha, but wouldn't say I was from that side.
The year 1995 is one that I discovered myself let alone formerly started my academic career. My parents left and resided eMthatha in the periphery of Mthatha in a place called eChorhana before 1995. In December 1995 I went to a place called home where I haven't been, but I when got there I could easily identified with it. I felt at ease and mostly loved, longed for, welcomed; it felt like I have been long awaited for and I could achieve anything. I played with other children freely with no fear of being subjected to abuse, had the adventures of growing in the country side.
Not everything was all fun and jolly, I was still from kwaZulu which was ironic because kwaZulu they rejected me. They did it with affection though, with interest and hankering to know a world beyond this that they faced everyday. The most memorable was meeting my friend, brother, grandson and my future sabhunge who taught me the ins and out of the place. I met the late Andile Jela (my eldest grandson) may his soul rest in peace whom we stayed together eMzimkhulu, he was my first human contact of this place I called home where I haven't been. And I must admit how he conducted himself eMzimkhulu could prove the tribalists' claim and treatment justified. He drank a lot, was smart, naughty, was a thief or taker, didn't want to pay in buses jumped off and ran the list is endless. When we met at home where I haven't been he was far from mankind, he was in the forest engumkhwetha.
My lord!--- I loved ithonto! I always wanted to sleep there mainly because I wanted to know what were these naked white figures doing there. There was a lot happening there, the Xhosa culture was still intact, although I met ooNangamso who have been kwaXhosa I would surely come back and know about the place and culture they were born into although I was new in this place I called home where I haven't been. There was so much too look forward to and most importantly I had my own identity. Although some described it as primitive I vowed to fully identify myself one with it. I felt more than Christians because at list I met, spent sometime, could come back and owned my paradise. That place I called home where I haven't been freely forced these words from me; "ndingowaseXhora ndiliqaba (nganxa yabo baza bezosihlukanisa) elifundileyo mandenze njengeko ookhokho babenza, nditshintshe ngenxa yokunyanzeleka kodwa ndingadelanga oku babekwenza kuba kundim nangona nje ndingakuphilanga"